More of My Life...

When I was about twelve years old, Mom and I were introduced to a new member of her church. A man, about thirty-five or so, and his four young children had just moved to the area from West Virginia. The Pastor asked Mom to help him with childcare, housekeeping, and cooking so that he could work. Mom was happy to serve and I was happy to have some new friends. Then I got to know them. The kids were three boys and one girl. The boys were closer to my age, so we built a treehouse platform low in a big live oak in the woods in the backyard. It was fun to play with the older boys and just enjoy being kids. The girl was spoiled and a definite "Daddy's girl" who could do no wrong. She hated that I would rather play "cowboys and Indians" instead of "dolls." She told her Dad all kinds of awful things about what the boys and I were doing out in the woods out of jealousy, even though we were innocent. Their Dad came storming out to the woods, found our treehouse and the boys and I. He was very angry. His eyes were a light, icy blue and you could almost see the sparks flying. He ordered us back to the house and came along behind us. When we got inside, his face had turned a bright red and he paced for a moment, then proceeded to berate all of us. Then he turned to Mom expectantly, waiting for her to start in on me. Apparently, he had a problem with a twelve-year-old girl playing with boys, especially his twelve-year-old son. I was totally confused. Mom just said that she would deal with it when we got home. He seemed satisfied with that, so we left. At home, I asked Mom why he was so mad. She told me to never play with the boys and that he would not be angry like that. No one explained to me why that made him angry. We didn't do anything wrong. We were just being kids. 

Years later, this same man molested me. I was fifteen years old. He asked Mom if I could go on a trip to West Virginia with him and his kids to help. I loved going places so, I was happy when she said yes. The trip up there was great. I got to see some beautiful countryside and majestic mountains. I loved it. About two evenings into our stay, he broke the news that he was just visiting to drop off his oldest son because he didn't have time to deal with a teenager. Later, I was sitting on the front steps of the cabin, looking at the nearby mountain and he came out and sat beside me. He put his arm around me and hugged me really tight. I didn't know what he was doing and before I knew it, he had his hands up my shirt and his tongue in my mouth. I was so shocked I just froze. When I didn't respond, he backed up and stalked away. Needless to say, the trip home was awkward. About two months later, Mom asked me if I minded if she married this man. I felt a flush and a loud, adamant "no" coming out before I could stop it. I told her I'd leave if she did and I'd never speak to her again. She turned his proposal down and we didn't have much to do with him after that. I never told her what happened. I was too ashamed and, as most kids who are molested do, I just stuffed it into my mental closet and tried to forget it. I still suffer the results, even though it might not seem all that bad to some, it was devastating to me. I inherited my Mother's sensitive heart. She felt things so deeply that she would cry, what seemed like, all the time. 

I know that many people have probably experienced much worse things, and I'm grateful beyond words that God was there, all through it, to keep me alive. I am overly emotional and overly sensitive and prone to hysterics when I am overcome with so much emotion. You see, my emotions are broken. I was so sad for so long that I tried two times to take my own life and nearly succeeded. God was there, he has been there my whole life, but I couldn't see Him until now. I can look back now without the pain, anger and sadness, knowing that God accepted me, loved me beyond anything in my life. I give him glory because he preserved my life. Thank you Jesus for loving me unconditionally. I pray that I have passed that same love on to my children. I know one thing: If He will do that for me, He will do it for you! Just pray and tell Him how sorry you are for the things you've done wrong. Ask Him to save you. He will. He's just waiting for you.

Much love and may God Bless...